Depression hurts

I am sure you have seen the commercial about depression. You know the one that says "depression hurts". Well it does. It also affects all you do and everyone you interact with.

This has been a difficult time for me. I can dance all around looking for answers to why I am where I am but the answer is I am working my way through a darkness. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder but that is for another day when I am ready to be a little more transparent.

I've struggled with depression for a while. There are up times and down times. The holidays are always hard but this year seems to be even harder. I am not sure why and I may never know why.

I do know that there are four things that keep me going; God, my children, the knowledge that brighter days are ahead and good friends. The kind of friends who don't judge, who love me for who I am. Friends who are always there, who sense when things just aren't right and those friends who will spend a full day sending text messages back and forth. Thank you!

If you are struggling with depression reach out, seek a good therapist, surround yourself with people who care and RUN to God. He will hold you in his arms until you can stand on your own again.

Blank pages

Sometimes the words just are not there. For me that has been the last two months. I have spent many hours sitting in front of my laptop only to shut it down without having typed one word. I have spent equally as many hours trying to figure out why the words have gone.

I thought, "maybe blogging was not for me" only, this was affecting more than my blogs. Anything I needed to create was blank. There had to be a reason - maybe if I just tried harder...

No - what I needed to do was to focus. Not on where the words went or why they went but put my focus back on God. There I said it. I stopped putting God first. I was so caught up in "me" that I pushed "Him" out. It was just about that time when the words dried up.

It's amazing what happens when you lose your focus but even MORE amazing what happens when you get your act together and refocus....

Seeing the forest through the trees

Sometimes it is so hard to see the forest through the trees that we forget why we were looking for the forest in the first place. I now know I not only couldn't see the forest but I had completely lost the reason for looking.

By not looking I found what I was looking for - the why. The why I first became involved in Student Ministries. The reason I have stayed so long. So much of my time and energy went into trying to figure out why I was involved in Student Ministries and where I fit that it became just another thing I did.

Don't get me wrong I still put 110 percent into everything I did. It just became routine. A sense of obligation, a duty. I intellectually understood the urgent need for such a ministry but I no longer had that passion in my heart and soul for or belief in why I was serving in Student Ministries.

I found the forest by walking away from the trees. By taking the time to stop looking for the answers I began to feel that passion again. That why.

I now have a clear view of the forest. I am excited about the future, energized and ready to dig in. Stay tuned for what that forest looks like. I can't wait to share it.

If you are having trouble seeing the forest through the trees - take some time - stop looking for the forest and somehow it will find you.

I'm back!

After taking some time off I'm back. I took time to work through the questions weighing on my heart. I don't have all the answers but I am confident I do have the strength to work through the rest. It may take some time - intraspective, honesty with myself and patience but in God's time I will find the answers I need.

Parents and Youth Ministry

I am looking for a little give and take on this one. If you are, were, or in the future will be or may be the parent of a student in 6th - 12th grade who is involved in a Youth Ministry program I have a few questions.

1) What things would you like to be informed about?
2) If you could ask a youth pastor any question what would it be?
3) If you volunteer what are your reasons and if you don't why (just wondering)?
4) What form of communication would you prefer?
5) Would you attend meetings? If so how often and what day of the week?

Thanks for all your help.

Bowling

Step one of traveling down another path - I was clueless. Lucky for me I don't have to wander around in circles, I have someone - or should I say someones (I don't think that's a word but it works) to help.

A wise friend, Frank, the interim Director of Student Ministies at CCV is helping me to navigate my journey. This week he used a great metaphor to help me understand what a small group facilitator does and how he is going to help me take that first step and the rest to follow.

Picture a bowling alley - without guidance the ball may or may not hit the pins and may or may not end up in the gutter. Add bumpers and the odds of hitting the pins increases to 100%.

I have been trying to hit the pins for a long time. Asking myself where my passion lies, where God needs me to serve and where I will land. Now that the bumpers are in place I am confident I will be able to answer those questions.

So .... step one ... I am taking 3 weeks off from my usual duties. Taking the time to regroup, refresh and renew. At the end I should be one step closer to answering my questions.

Decision

The question that has been on my mind - what path do I follow? The current one - aka the safe one or do I venture out of my comfort zone and take a new path.

I've been standing in the middle of the intersection for too long. It's time to move ahead. God is nudging me to travel down a new path. I am not sure what lies ahead but here goes.

I do know that God will be with me, that I have people who will help me and that this won't be the last time I stand in the middle of an intersection. With each intersection comes the opportunity for growth.

I am inviting you to follow my path - each twist, turn, hill and valley. I think the journey is going to be an adventure.

Direction

I seem to be at one of those places were the path ahead of me isn't straight. There are different paths to follow. Which one should I take? Each one is unique but all have a common theme - doing what God needs me to do - but which one?

Should I stay on the same path - forge ahead - continue course but is that just the safe path? Continuing to do what I have been doing will probably yield the same results as it has been yielding. That may not be a bad thing. Maintaining a little stability.

Do I take another path? Am I ready to try a new direction - is it time for change? But which direction? There is more than one path ahead. How do I know where to go? What if the path I choose is a dead end? How will I know if I am on the correct path?

There are so many questions - I guess I will have to follow God's lead, trust Him and know He will always be there to guide me.

Letting go...

On June 29th my friend Patti and I drove our son's to Albright College for 2 days of rehearsals before their trip to Europe.

Maybe I should back up and give a little background. In October of 2007 Andrew's band director selected several students to participate in the American Music Abroad Honors band. This was an opportunity of a life time. Not only had he been selected for the band but he would be able to explore a whole other world.

Andrew and his best friend Matt decided to take this opportunity to spend 18 days touring France, Germany, Austria, Belgium and Luxembourg. They would perform 8 concerts including one on July 4th at Omaha Beach - how cool is that!

They saw the Eiffel Tower, the Palace of Versailles, and Dachau. They took a gondola ride to a glacier in Rattenberg, had a dance party in Westendorf, and had a day at Europark in Strasbourg. They took guided tours at each new city and had time to explore on their own.

I am not sure what kind of em0tions my son went through but I certainly went through many. I was excited, nervous, scared and proud.

The thing that took me totally by surprise was how much I was affected by his leaving. I knew it would be hard to send him off, but I wasn't ready for over a week of tears every time someone asked me about him. My heart ached and in some way felt empty. Someone asked me if this was so hard what is going to happen when he goes off to college. I am not sure but maybe I should by stock in Kimberly Clarke.

I started thinking about how God feels when he watches his children leave his arms. Does he cry, does his heart ache and feel empty? Does he run after or wait patiently for us to return? The parable of the lost son best answers that - even though the son left, the father welcomed him with open arms. God's love is patient, and He is waiting for us with open arms.

Christ in Youth - MOVE

My second "event" of the summer was CIY's summer conference MOVE. On June 23rd we loaded 4 fifteen passenger vans with 37 students, 10 adults and enough luggage for 50 people for a 10 hour drive to Milligan College in Tennessee. We got off 10 minutes late but that is a record for us.

About 1 hour into the trip we needed to make an unscheduled stop. One of the students was ill and decided to place the contents of her stomach all over the lead van. Glad it wasn't mine! We decided that the lead van would wait until the student's mother arrived and would then set off to catch up. The way we figured it they would catch up to us sometime during our lunch stop and they did.

The rest of the trip was uneventful and we arrived at Milligan College in time for registration, dinner and unpacking.

The week was an unbelievable experience for the students as well as the adults. Every day started with a main session that was followed by Encounter time - a time to spend alone with God. It is an awesome sight to see all those students spread out on the campus, silently reading, praying and thinking. The worship band incredible, the food - well college food need I say more, the speakers thought provoking and this years mission - Rapha House. Words can not describe the video that was shown - dry eyes were far and few.

The week included intense ultimate Frisbee games, a dodge ball tournament in which our two teams faced each other in the 1/4 finals, a hike to a beautiful waterfall (Laurel Falls), four baptisms - one in the falls and one in the snake creek during a storm - two back home, a student making the decision to go into missionary work, lots and lots of stairs, laughs and tears and a time for the students to bond.

On the way home we got stuck in traffic and I mean stuck. I-81 was closed for 45 minutes due to an awful accident. So being on a youth ministry trip what do we do - park the van and "play" in traffic.

CIY summer conferences are always intense but I wouldn't miss them for anything. The only bad thing is they have to come to an end.

Still

I spent the day doing something I haven't done in - well - let's just say I don't remember the last time. I was still.

Being still doesn't sound like a hard thing to do but I never seem to find time to just be. There is always something to do, something to think about, something someone wants or needs, words I think I need to say. Life always seems to get in my way.

When I let life stand between me and being still I am the one who loses! I can't hear what God is trying to say to me. I put Him on hold and go about living, thinking that I'll get around to listening later or that I already know what God has to say.

Lucky for me God is patient. He knows I will run dry. He waits for me to just be and that's what I did today.

I floated on a raft in my mom's pool for over an hour. Not talking, not thinking, just laying there feeling the warmth of the sun, hearing the birds singing, being rocked by the gentle waves ... listening.

I was reminded that life goes on with out me - that no matter how much stuff I cram into a day the only thing that can refresh me is to be STILL and let God talk to me.

One of my favorite songs says it better than I could. I invite you to check it out - "Still" by Watermark.

1st summer happening - Ben and Katie

When Ben and Katie asked me to host a party to help them celebrate their wedding I was thrilled, honored and humbled. See Ben is like a son so I guess that makes Katie a daughter-in-law. Ben and Katie were married in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Many of us were unable to attend and they wanted share the joy of their marriage with friends here in PA. I couldn't provide sand or surf but we did have plenty of sun and heat!

Of course I didn't have to think about saying yes, that was a given, but shortly after saying yes I realized the date they picked was 2 days before CIY. Not to mention the fact that my oldest was off to Europe as soon as we got back from CIY. Yikes - can you say STRESS! All the food, planning, cleaning, decorating, evites, did I mention food and cleaning?

It all came together. Everyone brought their favorite side dish and I am currently working on a cookbook for the newlyweds! I promise Ben and Katie I will finish sometime before your 1st anniversary.

There were intense volley ball games, good eats, great conversations and plenty of fun. I think the day was a success.

I love you guys!

Busy summer!

Where does time go? I can't believe I haven't blogged for 2 months. Shame on me. Time to change that!

What a summer so far! It all started with a party to help to two awesome friends celebrate their marriage. Sun, sand, fun, food - ok not sand but lots of sun, food and fun.

Two days later I set off with 37 high school students and 9 other adults for a week at Milligan College for MOVE - Christ in Youth's summer conference. It was an amazing trip. Five days full of worship, discipleship, quiet time for prayer and fun.

Less than 24 hours after we arrived home I finished packing for Andrew's American Music Abroad trip to Europe and took him to Albright College for rehearsals before leaving. They left on July 2nd and arrive home this Friday! I miss him!

While Andrew was having fun in Europe I was helping to prepare for Christ's Church of the Valley's annual middle school conference - STRETCH. This year's theme was Full Circle. We had 600 plus students over the three day conference. When I have the DVD I will post it.

That brings me to today. A day off to try and catch up before I begin helping with Kids' Camp Big Top. I know it's going to be BIG!

Look for future posts about each event - complete with pictures and great stories.

Play ball!

My son Chris loves baseball and I mean LOVES baseball. He reads everything he can about baseball; magazines, books, stats. He watches everything from Little League through Major League on TV – even reruns of old games. His room is filled with stuff from his favorite team – I won’t go into who that is, I will just say there is an abundance of blue pinstripes! He wears team shirts almost every day. He is rarely without a ball cap and almost all of them are from a baseball team – one in particular! The amount of baseball cards in his room could wallpaper the entire room, walls, ceiling and floor. I think you get the idea.

He has been struggling with hitting this year. I mentioned this to the pastor of our church and gave me some advice to pass on. He told me to tell Chris that as he enters the batters box to look at the infielders, pick someone to be the recipient of a line drive chest high and laugh when then drop the ball as he is running to first base. I was skeptical but passed the advice on and Chris seemed to start connecting more. Chris isn’t a speed demon but he was knocking in RBI’s even if he wasn’t getting on base. The more he connected the more his confidence rose.

Last night though was a night to remember. His team was down 2 runs going into the bottom of the third inning. They managed to tie the game and held the other team scoreless in the top of the fourth. In the bottom of the fourth they loaded the bases and Chris was up to bat. This is the time when my stomach starts to churn, my palms get sweaty and my heart starts thumping. Usually I have a hard time watching.

A group of parents were sitting in the benches in left field for the best view of the game. I had just said to my husband that there was a huge hole between the left fielder and the center fielder and now would be a great time for Chris to hit the ball there. Just as I said those words I heard that unmistakable sound of an aluminum bat hitting a baseball. I looked up to see the ball heading right down the third base line, heard my husband shouting something about it being in there and watched the ball hit the top of the fence and drop just inside the fence. It was a base’s clearing double which put his team up by 3 runs. Chris came within 6 inches of hitting his first homerun and it would have been a grand slam! They went on to win the game 7-6.

What a hit! What a night!

Stuff

Stuff. We all have it. You know that space you really don’t want to open it may be a drawer, a closet, or in my case the basement. Isn’t it funny how fast we accumulate stuff?

Less than five years ago we rented a dumpster. It was full of stuff that was broken or of no use to us or anyone else for that matter. Over the past two weeks we have been cleaning out the basement again! I am amazed at what is down there. The furniture from the nursery – my youngest is 9, the cabinets from our kitchen, which hopefully will be hung for storage sometime before I am 100, and our old kitchen table which of course is in pieces so we could move it downstairs. Even if someone wanted it I am not sure we could find all the pieces. Clothing from when my boys were only a size 8 and believe me that hasn’t been for years! Cake baking pans which have accumulated so much dust it looks like I painted the storage bin a pale shade of grey. Just stuff.

Why do we save things? Is it for the what if’s and the some days? Maybe it’s for the memories. What ever the reason all that stuff takes up room leaving us with clutter and in some cases disarray.

Lately I have been saving/storing a lot of stuff in my heart. Stuff that I should have let go of long ago. All that junk has filled my heart and left little room for life. It lurks in there waiting for just the right instance to grab hold of me sending me to a place I would rather not visit. Leaving me preoccupied with all that stuff so I can’t hear what God has to say.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Be still – eliminate the clutter – make room to hear. AH HA!

Why?

Why does God put people in our lives for only a period of time? You know the ~ some people come into our lives for a reason, season or life time ~ I am pretty sure I dislike two of the three!


I don't let people "in". For more years that I would like to admit I have built a fortress around my heart. It is very high, guarded by an army, and surrounded by a moat. Get the picture. I have been working hard at building a bridge over the moat, calling off the troops and adding an entrance. Quite a few now have crossed the bridge, not quite as many have gotten past the troops and only a handful have actually gained entrance.


This past week two of those who have gained entrance have been called to serve God somewhere else. OUCH! Instinct set in and the door has locked, the troops have been called back in full force and the bridge has closed until further notice or at least until I have had time to grieve and process.


I may never know the answer to why God needed them somewhere else when I need them here. Maybe I am not supposed to but I do know I love them and will miss them so much it hurt.

Friends

How do you know if someone is a true friend? That is easy...they are willing to come over even if you don't ask or can't talk about what you needed a friend for. Tonight I found that out. The reason I needed a friend - well - that will need to be a later post when I have had time to process.

The lesson I needed tonight from God was that there are people in my life who are true friends and it is ok to rely on them. They are there for me when I ask and even when I don't. They know when I am hurting but don't speak it, they know when I need help but won't ask; they just know me.

To those friends I say thank you!

Faith/Trust

Sometimes - well most times - God needs to use the good old swift kick in the pants or the brick upside the head approach with me. It seems I had forgotten something and it was time for my wake up call.


In the last three weeks I have been faced with opportunities which have required faith. Each week offered another opportunity to have faith that God was with me. Each another brick, another kick.


The first week my oldest went for his driving test. Every parents fear, well at least it was mine. My child will no longer need me to taxi him around. He will now have freedom. All this went through my head before I even picked him for his test.


As he drove to the testing center I kept reminding him of every little tip I had ever heard. As we were just about there he said, "I think you are more nervous than I am." Scary thing is he was right! I needed to have faith that he was ready, that all the practice hours had taught him what he needed to know and that God would be guiding the way as he got behind the wheel both during the test and each time in the future.


Two weeks ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and began a blog. Talk about having to rely on faith. Without having faith that God would guide my hands, send a support system, and provide words I would still be stuck in that comfort zone. Not seizing an opportunity to grow. Once again scary.


Today my oldest had his wisdom teeth out. Talk about faith. I must have asked God a thousand times to keep him safe, to guide the surgeons hands and for a quick recovery with little pain. Then as I was driving it hit me - that little feeling in my gut. You know that quiet voice inside that reminds you God has it covered. God was with him, the surgeon and me as I waited.


This one was the scariest. I don't mean Andrew having his wisdom teeth out, I mean the fact that I had forgotten that God was with me. I thought I was "going it alone". Had I been relying on my own abilities and not trusting God? Had I felt alone? Did I forget God was always with me? YES! That little voice inside said, finally. Now it's time to stop going it alone and time to trust, time to have faith and know that God is always with me.


This week I am committed to memorizing, meditating on and living - Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." So if you see me ask me how I am doing.

Just

Have you ever thought of yourself as just a ______? You fill in the blank - mother, father, wife, husband, friend, volunteer the list could go on forever. I think we have all felt that way one time or another.

Check out this article I found about being "just a volunteer". After reading it let me know what you think.

http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/topics/volunteers/dont_ask.php?

Happy reading!

Time to grow

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Today is the day I start doing things I think I can't do; like creating a blog. Yesterday with the help of Matt (an awesome Youth Pastor and Mentor) I created this blog as a way to inspire and share my own perspectives about life and all it has for us. It has taken me until today at 3:30 to actually gain the courage to sit and write.

Stepping out of my comfort zone isn't always easy for me. Each time I step out of that zone it gives me the opportunity to grow, learn and have faith that God is beside me. So the journey begins and I am glad you are along for the ride.