True friends

My intent was to blog about friends. True friends ~ you know the kind of friend who loves you for who you are ~ the kind of friend who is there anytime of the day ~ the kind of friend who laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry ~ the kind of friend who tells you the hard stuff and then picks you up, dusts you off and walks beside you through that hard stuff.

Somewhere along my thought process for this blog I realized that this was about much more than true friends. It is about two special people who I respect and love. Both have been placed in my life for similar yet totally different purposes. They have been through my good times and my bad. They have laughed with me and cried with me. They help me see that I am not the reflection I see in the mirror. They give me strength when I don't think I can stand on my own. They are just there for me.

I am blessed to have these friends in my life. I am not sure if I would have made it this far without them and don't want to go forward without them. There are no words to say how deeply I feel.

I love you two!

Wow it's been a while.  It's been hard to put together the thoughts in my head.  Just seems to be a stormy season.  

I know just like the storm tonight it will end.  The rain will stop, the lightening will cease and the thunder will quiet.  The sun will come out.  Everything will be washed clean and smell fresh.

That's what I am holding on to - the end of the stormy season....

We all need somebody!

I haven't blogged since my transparency - still struggling - haven't turned the corner yet but I know someday I will...

I found this video last night (late, late, late last night, actually early, early, early this morning).

Everybody needs somebody - boy have I needed somebody over the past four months.

I am truly blessed to have not just one somebody but somebodies ~ somebodies who call me on the carpet when I mess up, who tell it to me straight, who believe in me, who pick me up when I fall down but most of all who love me for who I am. 

I challenge you to take the time today to send a text, send an email, or call to tell your somebody that they are your somebody.  Don't put it off, don't wait ~ cause we all need somebody Y 

Mirror, mirror.....

Mirror, mirror on the wall … who is the fairest of them all?  I am sure all of us has either said those words out loud or thought them when we look in the mirror.  For me the answer goes something like this....

The mirror answers in my voice … certainly not you – 

look at how fat you are, look at those wrinkles, and that hair……

We all know someone who feels that way.  Maybe it’s a friend or neighbor – a niece, an aunt, your daughter, or maybe it’s you.  For me, it’s my reflection in the mirror, my voice answering what - are you nuts - it certainly isn’t you!

For as long as I can remember I measured my self worth by whether or not I had the right hair cut, the right clothes, the right weight, or the right boyfriend.  I could never be “good enough”, “thin enough”, and “pretty enough”.  What made me think I could measure up?   

That’s when it began - that emptiness in my heart. I yearned to be loved – to be seen as beautiful.  The only way for that to be is to have perfect hair, great clothes and a killer body – after all that is what the media says.

As a teenager I stood 5’8” tall and weighed 115 pounds.  I was to skinny for most but not skinny enough for someone to love me - at least that is what I thought.  If only I could fix myself…that’s when I began skipping meals.  At first it was just breakfast.  I would justify it by thinking I don’t really like breakfast food anyway.

When that wasn’t enough I started skipping lunch.  My mom would pack me a lunch and I would stuff it in my locker.   I would come home from school and eat everything in sight until bed time.  Then I would feel guilty, worthless, and weak and I would start the whole routine over.

By the time I was in college I had convinced myself that I was ugly.  That the only way to find love was to be what I saw on TV, in magazines or in the movies.  I would go days without eating.  If someone asked me about it I would make an excuse or "pretend" to eat.  You know push the food around the plate, take a bite or two. 

Don't get me wrong there were times where I eat - eating like there is no tomorrow - binge eating.  Each time after a binge I feel even worse and beat myself up.

Genesis 1:27 says “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” 

Wow – God created me – in His image.  He sees what no one else can.  When he looks at me he sees the beauty he created; the woman that he knit together in my mothers’ womb, the person who is wonderfully created.  If we are created in God’s image how can we be anything but beautiful? 

In Nicole Johnsons’ book “Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World” she writes…

“God tells us that he knew us in our mother’s womb.  That he smiled at our birth and he knows everything about us.  That he sees our aspirations and our dreams, our struggles to keep our hearts from pretending or denying.  He tells us that he knows us, even better than we know ourselves.  And best of all, he knows something beyond what we know:  He knows what he is calling us to become. 

At this crossroads, then God whispers something in our ears that can change our hearts forever.  The Lord of the universe, the Creator of heaven and earth draws near to our hoping, trembling hearts and whispers one word:  princess.”

 

Can you imagine – Gods calls us princess.  He calls each and every one of us princess.  Wow I am a princess… a princess. 

Circumstances change, years go by yet I still struggle with the same feelings of worthlessness.  Only now I find myself eating or should I say not eating even more frequently.  I still see a completely different image staring back at me.  I wish I could see what others see.  Just once I wish I could look in the mirror and say "wow look at the princess God has made me to be"

I look forward to when my day will start something like this.......

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of all?  

The mirror answers in another voice, God's voice… why you are.

I say but, but..... the mirror says – Princess you ARE beautiful!

And I say "Yes I am"

Where do I go from here?

How many times have you asked yourself that?  We all want to know which way to go - how to get there and what will it look like when we get there.

The answers we seek may be directions to specific places or what the future holds, but what if that question can't be answered until we get there?  

There can never be one answer because it will always depend on which path you choose to venture down.  There are always choices to be made and those choices influence where we go - whether it's a job, a relationship, a friendship, a move - you get the idea.

I guess the first step to finding out "where do we go from here" is just that taking the first step. Being bold enough to go forward instead of waiting until all the questions have been answered because they may never be and we may miss an opportunity.

I am not going to sit and wait for the answers - I am going to take the first step and find out "where do I go from here"

Moutains

We all have mountains to climb.  We can choose to freeze at the bottom, look for a way around or just put on the hiking boots and start climbing.  

Taking that first step is always the hardest.  Looking up we think we will never reach the top.  We can't find the next foothold.  The ground beneath our feet is rocky.  Sometimes the soil just gives way and we have to hold on until we find solid ground.  

As I stare at the mountain before me I have to believe that at the end - when I reach the top and look back I will see that the climb was the journey - the summit the reward.   The road may be flat before us but eventually we all come upon another mountain - another chance for a journey.

An unbelievably awesome friend - someone I love very much shared this song with me.  As she said, "I don't normally like Miley Cyrus but in this song she is wise beyond her years"  - I love ya Christi

Where's the lifeguard

During the past week I have had two conversations with wise people.  It's been one of those weeks where I needed to lean on friends.

During the first conversation I was reminded that I can't let people get inside my head and that is exactly what I have been doing.  Allowing them to pressure me to think the way they want me to.  Everything from thinking my blogs are dark to the state of my head and heart.  Not any more.  It is time to listen and process but not let it consume me.

The second conversation happened today and I have been thinking about it all day.  A friend who is wise beyond his years offered this analogy when I told him I am walking in a spiritual desert - far from God - that I had turned my back.  

He said think of it like a swimming pool.  The kind that gradually slopes down from the shallow end to the deep end.  I have been playing and swimming in the shallow end for a long time. Slowly I began to move toward that deep end.  Not really noticing I was going down that gradual slope until I no longer could reach the bottom.  My footing was gone and I was treading water.

I am tired.  I am having trouble treading water.  I am slowly going under.  The lifeguard - God - is right there.  All I have to do is cry out and he will save me.  But I can't or won't or don't remember how.  So here I am still treading water - getting more and more tired - but STILL remembering the lifeguard is always on duty.  I just need to call out...