Insomnia

Insomnia - "inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp when chronic; difficulity in falling or staying asleep; restlessness" 

I love to sleep - I just can't - well - I can fall asleep usually fast but I don't stay asleep.  Some nights are worse than others.  It is frustating to wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning and lay there in the quiet.  

Most times I just stay in bed listening to the sound of my breathing.  Eventually I fall back to sleep.  But not last night- I stayed in bed tossing and turning with a zillion things racing through my head.  Don't get me wrong I would fall back to sleep only to wake 10 - 15 minutes later.  I finally decided to just get up.

So here I sit in the darkness, the only light coming from my laptop.  Listening to the silence, my heartbeat, any creak or groan the house has to offer and the thoughts racing through my head ~ I am not sure how to return to sleeping.

This stinks!  

Thoughtfulness

Yesterday was my daughter's 10th birthday.  Wow I can't believe she is double digits now.

On Mondays (yesterday) I work basically from 9 - 9.  So I couldn't spend the whole day with her but I get a break in the middle of the day and we decided we would go out to lunch - Max and Erma's one of her favorites.  It was a lot of fun.  

After I went back to work she went to Dave & Busters with her father, brother Chris and his friend. Unfortunately none of her friends could go but she had a great time.

About 7:30 she called me at work all excited.  That kind of excitment only a 10 year old can have. Her biggest brother - Andrew - had just returned from a trip to Shady Maple and  brought her a present.  Not just any present but two stuffed monkeys.  She LOVES monkeys!

When I got home from work she was holding them tightly.  I asked if she thanked him and with a grin from ear to ear she said yes.  She didn't put them down - she slept with them and this morning they were still right by her side.

Andrew's thougthfulness is amazing.  He seems to know what makes people happy and with out any reminder or suggestion from anyone will buy a gift or do a favor or do a random act of kindness.  He is there to listen when a friend needs someone.

What would happen if everyone in the world took his lead.  Thought of others, sensed their needs, gave unconditionally.  What a wonderful place this would be.

Andrew, I do not have the words to explain how proud I am of you.  You touch many peoples lives and make them better. 

When I slip will you help me?

Someone I know suggested that my blogs lately have been very dark. I would have to agree.

It is a product of where I am in life right now - in this very moment. I am not sure I can explain why I am here or when I will get out. I have figured out that the darkness that surrounds me has consumed me.

It is impossible to climb out from the dark abyss if that is all you are focused on. Here is a portion of an email I sent to a friend recently...

"I am sitting here curled up under a blanket with my tea listening to the wind. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking of the ugly in my life. I realize I have neglected to see the good things. Things like my children who love me, the fact that I am healthy, that I have really good friends, that in this economy I have a job, and that I have people in my life I care about. People who make me smile, who always seem to know when to call, who take my mind off of life.

Not sure when I got so negative but I know it's only pulling me down. So I have decided to stop. I am going to be thankful for the good in my life. I am pretty sure I will slip now and again but I was hoping you would remind me of the good stuff. Will you? "

When I slip will you remind me of the good stuff?

Cold

The sun is shining brightly today.  The temperature has warmed up.  So why do I still feel so cold?  This is the kind of cold that permeates every inch of your body.  A cold which occurs in darkness.  A cold which frosts your heart and soul ~ that separates you from the Son.

No that isn't a typo - it's the kind of cold that only happens when you feel disconnected from God.  God hasn't turned His back on me - I have lost my way.  Somewhere along this journey called life I forgot that God's love is unconditional.  I began to feel unworthy of His love.  I ran from His arms instead of into His arms.

Today during worship I was reminded that He is there waiting for me.  I am not sure I know the way back.  I am sure I still don't believe He is waiting with arms open - how could He be - not where I am at this time....

Maybe this song from Three Doors Down will help explain where I am at this moment in the journey called life....

I will keep you posted on my finding my way back.

National Wear Red Day