Normally I love going to the gym - I love the gratification of pushing my body. I love the time I have to take all the stress and put it into really pushing myself to lift a little heavier, do another set, walk a little longer. I also love the time to not think just be in the moment.
Today I couldn't turn off the thoughts, I tried pushing myself using all the stress but found the stress won and my body didn't respond. My muscles were fatigued and certainly acted like a child - you know complaining, not listening and even at one point pitching a fit. When I was finished the stress left with me instead staying at the gym where it belonged!
Why is today any different? I don't know.... Just today the weight of the world feels like it is sitting on me.
I am frustrated at the condition of my house. It has gotten out of hand. The laundry piles up. Things don't get picked up. Now don't get me wrong I was never June Cleaver ..... but this is getting ridiculous!
I struggle to maintain a daily financial balance. It seems that the more hours I put in the faster the money goes out. You know after the bills - the car needs breaks and inspection, all the staples in the house seem to have vanished, someone has a doctor or dentist appointment or needs money to go somewhere or do something.
I have three able bodied children - why is it so hard for me to expect them to pick up after themselves, do their own laundry, help with chores? I just seem to set the rules and then cave in making excuses for why they can't do them. Truth is they just refuse to do them and I give in to avoid the confrontation, argument, anger.....
Working an hour away is draining me. For just under two years I have driven an hour each way three days a week. I am tired of driving. I am grateful I have a job but tired of sitting in a car 2 hours a day 3 days a week - 6 hours every week - 312 hours or 13 days a year.
My new venture has me nervous and quite truthfully afraid. Lehigh Sweets is now open with limited hours. I would tell you to check out my Facebook page or my website but I haven't updated either in - well - forever but if you are curious www.LehighSweets.com My (well with Rob's "gentle ;)" nudging) vision is a wholesale business not so much a retail store. Selling to florists, gift shops, independent food stores and such. There are too many things to worry about with a retail location - like staffing it, maintaining it, advertising, making it look like a sweet shop. Then there are the ever present questions or fears in the back of my mind. Will people like my delicious (well I think so anyway) chocolate covered stuff? Will stores buy it to resell it? Will it be profitable?
I have a huge decision ahead of me to make. I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to think it through but ha ha jokes on me - it is barreling down the highway at record breaking speed (you were right Rob). In my head I know the right decision - well the only sensible decision. My heart is at the same place yet there is that small part that still says maybe if....
Is it possible at 51 with a 21 year old, an almost 17 (yikes thats in 9 days - guess I should add that to the extra bills this month) and a 13 year old to change? Can I be strong, hold my ground and expect them to be active contributors in keeping the household running? How can I keep from loathing my 2 hour commute? Will my new venture make it? Will my decision ever be 100% ok with my heart or will I always carry those "maybe ifs"?
Ughhhh............
