During the first conversation I was reminded that I can't let people get inside my head and that is exactly what I have been doing. Allowing them to pressure me to think the way they want me to. Everything from thinking my blogs are dark to the state of my head and heart. Not any more. It is time to listen and process but not let it consume me.
The second conversation happened today and I have been thinking about it all day. A friend who is wise beyond his years offered this analogy when I told him I am walking in a spiritual desert - far from God - that I had turned my back.
He said think of it like a swimming pool. The kind that gradually slopes down from the shallow end to the deep end. I have been playing and swimming in the shallow end for a long time. Slowly I began to move toward that deep end. Not really noticing I was going down that gradual slope until I no longer could reach the bottom. My footing was gone and I was treading water.
I am tired. I am having trouble treading water. I am slowly going under. The lifeguard - God - is right there. All I have to do is cry out and he will save me. But I can't or won't or don't remember how. So here I am still treading water - getting more and more tired - but STILL remembering the lifeguard is always on duty. I just need to call out...
2 comments:
Your blog is not dark. Your blog reflects where you are right now. Not the best of places, but you're processing and it's good for others to see the processing. And it also reminds me to pray for you when I might otherise forget.
I've been at the place where I'm far from God and know what I need to do, but don't do it. I might even try, but nothing seems to work and then I just can't get right. I realize we're all wired differently and what helps me may not help you. BUT, when I'm at a place like that I sing praise songs and old hymns. Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art and whatever other songs I can sing to Him. I may not pray or pick up my Bible, but just singing praises to him seems to melt the ice that I've packed around my heart.
Just a thought. Still praying for you, though, friend.
My offer still stands girl. If you ever need me, you let me know, and I will be there.
Learning to swim really sucks sometimes. You start taking on water and you feel like you are going to sink any second.
The cool thing is, when you are forced to learn how to swim, it's much easier to get where God is pulling you.
Stay strong Barb, you are one of the most incredible and loved people I know. Never forget it.
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