Ugghhhhh

Normally I love going to the gym - I love the gratification of pushing my body.  I love the time I have to take all the stress and put it into really pushing myself to lift a little heavier, do another set, walk a little longer.  I also love the time to not think just be in the moment.

Today I couldn't turn off the thoughts, I tried pushing myself using all the stress but found the stress won and my body didn't respond.  My muscles were fatigued and certainly acted like a child - you know complaining, not listening and even at one point pitching a fit.  When I was finished the stress left with me instead staying at the gym where it belonged!

Why is today any different?  I don't know....  Just today the weight of the world feels like it is sitting on me.  

I am frustrated at the condition of my house.  It has gotten out of hand.  The laundry piles up.  Things don't get picked up.  Now don't get me wrong I was never June Cleaver ..... but this is getting ridiculous! 

I struggle to maintain a daily financial balance.  It seems that the more hours I put in the faster the money goes out.  You know after the bills - the car needs breaks and inspection, all the staples in the house seem to have vanished, someone has a doctor or dentist appointment or needs money to go somewhere or do something.

I have three able bodied children - why is it so hard for me to expect them to pick up after themselves, do their own laundry, help with chores?  I just seem to set the rules and then cave in making excuses for why they can't do them.  Truth is they just refuse to do them and I give in to avoid the confrontation, argument, anger.....

Working an hour away is draining me.  For just under two years I have driven an hour each way three days a week.  I am tired of driving.  I am grateful I have a job but tired of sitting in a car 2 hours a day 3 days a week - 6 hours every week - 312 hours or 13 days a year.  

My new venture has me nervous and quite truthfully afraid.  Lehigh Sweets is now open with limited hours.  I would tell you to check out my Facebook page or my website but I haven't updated either in - well - forever but if you are curious  www.LehighSweets.com  My (well with Rob's "gentle ;)" nudging) vision is a wholesale business not so much a retail store.  Selling to florists, gift shops, independent food stores and such.  There are too many things to worry about with a retail location - like staffing it, maintaining it, advertising, making it look like a sweet shop.  Then there are the ever present questions or fears in the back of my mind.  Will people like my delicious (well I think so anyway) chocolate covered stuff?  Will stores buy it to resell it?  Will it be profitable?

I have a huge decision ahead of me to make.  I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to think it through but ha ha jokes on me - it is barreling down the highway at record breaking speed (you were right Rob).  In my head I know the right decision - well the only sensible decision.  My heart is at the same place yet there is that small part that still says maybe if....

Is it possible at 51 with a 21 year old, an almost 17 (yikes thats in 9 days - guess I should add that to the extra bills this month) and a 13 year old to change?  Can I be strong, hold my ground and expect them to be active contributors in keeping the household running?  How can I keep from loathing my 2 hour commute?  Will my new venture make it?  Will my decision ever be 100% ok with my heart or will I always carry those "maybe ifs"?

Ughhhh............

Winds of change

Have you ever stood in the wind - just stood there? Felt it on your face, blowing through your hair almost feeling like it’s surrounding you? Have you ever had the wind take your breath away?

Sometimes the wind is a gentle constant breeze ever so slightly touching our skin, blowing the leaves on the trees. Other times there is a momentary gust that takes us by surprise causing our hair to blow and taking our breath away, bending the branches on the tree. Sometimes the wind blows so hard it takes all our strength to just stand and it tests the roots of the tree.

I think emotions are a lot like the wind no matter what the emotion: happiness, sadness, frustration, confusion, anger, love, hate, disappointment, etc. We never know how or when the wind is going to touch us.

At times they are just a gentle constant breeze - always with us. Gently stirring our heart. Just a part of our every day life. Always somewhere with us but never causing change just like the leaves on the trees blowing in the breeze.

Sometimes they rush to the surface like a gust of wind. They catch us by surprise taking our breath away, tugging at our heart causing us to try to understand them. As we bend like the branches we learn to navigate those feelings.

But sometimes when we least expect it they hit us hard. They touch our hearts deeply. They disrupt our daily routine. They test our roots.

Over the past couple of months my winds have been gentle, no rushes, no gusts. I was enjoying that, but then winds of change came and came with a gust - not quite a gale force gust but still a gust. But you know I am OK with it, no I am more than OK with it, I am happy the gust came. My roots are strong and my heart is filled.

“One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time”

A great quote I saw on a local flower shop’s sign. Goggled it to find out what wise person said it but it seems it is from an unknown source.

The definition of time according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary -

a : the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues

b : a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future

Each of us is given 24 hours in a day - no more - no less. What we choose to do with it is up to us. Maybe that time is spent “doing”; actively doing the things that need to be done. Maybe that time is spent “being”; listening, watching, thinking. Or maybe that time is spent not doing, not being - wasted?

Lately I think I have been wasting a lot of time.....

My roller coaster

Taking the next step and it is filled with anticipation, excitement and relief. But I am also finding it filled with something else - sadness. Words seem to be the gift I have been given and so I am going to use them to work through the next several weeks.

The last 60 days I feel like I have been on a roller coaster - like the Fahrenheit coaster at Hershey Park

Heart pounding, palms sweating, excitement tingling through your body and the slow ascent to the top of the hill begins, pause a moment and then comes the plunge down the other side without even a moment to realize the swiftness of the descent. Then only to be thrust into a spiral and end up upside down and back right side up again. Can’t forget the series of mini hills with each one your stomach does flip flops until you reach the slow down.....

Putting my house on the market, having my oldest graduate, selling my house the day I took Andrew to West Virginia University for new student orientation, frantically renegotiating the sale when the home inspection came in and then when the appraisal too low; oh and don’t forget trying to find a place to live on short notice ~~ this has been my roller coaster. (and I am pretty sure that is a huge run on sentence)

Through it all I was focused on the end result. A place to live, to call my own. The next step in my journey. Only today that focus was replaced with something I wouldn’t allow into my life over the last 60 days - emotions.

Packing the house today I was over come with a sadness that has consumed me. The mere act of keeping it together until now has drained me Now the release of all the emotion has left me with wet cheeks and heavy eyelids.

My house, the one I have raised two of my children since birth in and one since he was 3 will no longer be my house on the 22nd. I know, I know a house isn’t a home and my home will follow me where ever I go but it is still hard to think of it as someone else’s.

The memories are forever in my heart and mind and will follow me. The next house will become my new home until the time comes to make a change again. So for now I will allow myself the time to remember, laugh and cry. The day I walk out the door for the last time I will look ahead and not back - I’m not saying it going to be easy though.......

True friends

My intent was to blog about friends. True friends ~ you know the kind of friend who loves you for who you are ~ the kind of friend who is there anytime of the day ~ the kind of friend who laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry ~ the kind of friend who tells you the hard stuff and then picks you up, dusts you off and walks beside you through that hard stuff.

Somewhere along my thought process for this blog I realized that this was about much more than true friends. It is about two special people who I respect and love. Both have been placed in my life for similar yet totally different purposes. They have been through my good times and my bad. They have laughed with me and cried with me. They help me see that I am not the reflection I see in the mirror. They give me strength when I don't think I can stand on my own. They are just there for me.

I am blessed to have these friends in my life. I am not sure if I would have made it this far without them and don't want to go forward without them. There are no words to say how deeply I feel.

I love you two!

Wow it's been a while.  It's been hard to put together the thoughts in my head.  Just seems to be a stormy season.  

I know just like the storm tonight it will end.  The rain will stop, the lightening will cease and the thunder will quiet.  The sun will come out.  Everything will be washed clean and smell fresh.

That's what I am holding on to - the end of the stormy season....

We all need somebody!

I haven't blogged since my transparency - still struggling - haven't turned the corner yet but I know someday I will...

I found this video last night (late, late, late last night, actually early, early, early this morning).

Everybody needs somebody - boy have I needed somebody over the past four months.

I am truly blessed to have not just one somebody but somebodies ~ somebodies who call me on the carpet when I mess up, who tell it to me straight, who believe in me, who pick me up when I fall down but most of all who love me for who I am. 

I challenge you to take the time today to send a text, send an email, or call to tell your somebody that they are your somebody.  Don't put it off, don't wait ~ cause we all need somebody Y 

Mirror, mirror.....

Mirror, mirror on the wall … who is the fairest of them all?  I am sure all of us has either said those words out loud or thought them when we look in the mirror.  For me the answer goes something like this....

The mirror answers in my voice … certainly not you – 

look at how fat you are, look at those wrinkles, and that hair……

We all know someone who feels that way.  Maybe it’s a friend or neighbor – a niece, an aunt, your daughter, or maybe it’s you.  For me, it’s my reflection in the mirror, my voice answering what - are you nuts - it certainly isn’t you!

For as long as I can remember I measured my self worth by whether or not I had the right hair cut, the right clothes, the right weight, or the right boyfriend.  I could never be “good enough”, “thin enough”, and “pretty enough”.  What made me think I could measure up?   

That’s when it began - that emptiness in my heart. I yearned to be loved – to be seen as beautiful.  The only way for that to be is to have perfect hair, great clothes and a killer body – after all that is what the media says.

As a teenager I stood 5’8” tall and weighed 115 pounds.  I was to skinny for most but not skinny enough for someone to love me - at least that is what I thought.  If only I could fix myself…that’s when I began skipping meals.  At first it was just breakfast.  I would justify it by thinking I don’t really like breakfast food anyway.

When that wasn’t enough I started skipping lunch.  My mom would pack me a lunch and I would stuff it in my locker.   I would come home from school and eat everything in sight until bed time.  Then I would feel guilty, worthless, and weak and I would start the whole routine over.

By the time I was in college I had convinced myself that I was ugly.  That the only way to find love was to be what I saw on TV, in magazines or in the movies.  I would go days without eating.  If someone asked me about it I would make an excuse or "pretend" to eat.  You know push the food around the plate, take a bite or two. 

Don't get me wrong there were times where I eat - eating like there is no tomorrow - binge eating.  Each time after a binge I feel even worse and beat myself up.

Genesis 1:27 says “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” 

Wow – God created me – in His image.  He sees what no one else can.  When he looks at me he sees the beauty he created; the woman that he knit together in my mothers’ womb, the person who is wonderfully created.  If we are created in God’s image how can we be anything but beautiful? 

In Nicole Johnsons’ book “Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World” she writes…

“God tells us that he knew us in our mother’s womb.  That he smiled at our birth and he knows everything about us.  That he sees our aspirations and our dreams, our struggles to keep our hearts from pretending or denying.  He tells us that he knows us, even better than we know ourselves.  And best of all, he knows something beyond what we know:  He knows what he is calling us to become. 

At this crossroads, then God whispers something in our ears that can change our hearts forever.  The Lord of the universe, the Creator of heaven and earth draws near to our hoping, trembling hearts and whispers one word:  princess.”

 

Can you imagine – Gods calls us princess.  He calls each and every one of us princess.  Wow I am a princess… a princess. 

Circumstances change, years go by yet I still struggle with the same feelings of worthlessness.  Only now I find myself eating or should I say not eating even more frequently.  I still see a completely different image staring back at me.  I wish I could see what others see.  Just once I wish I could look in the mirror and say "wow look at the princess God has made me to be"

I look forward to when my day will start something like this.......

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of all?  

The mirror answers in another voice, God's voice… why you are.

I say but, but..... the mirror says – Princess you ARE beautiful!

And I say "Yes I am"

Where do I go from here?

How many times have you asked yourself that?  We all want to know which way to go - how to get there and what will it look like when we get there.

The answers we seek may be directions to specific places or what the future holds, but what if that question can't be answered until we get there?  

There can never be one answer because it will always depend on which path you choose to venture down.  There are always choices to be made and those choices influence where we go - whether it's a job, a relationship, a friendship, a move - you get the idea.

I guess the first step to finding out "where do we go from here" is just that taking the first step. Being bold enough to go forward instead of waiting until all the questions have been answered because they may never be and we may miss an opportunity.

I am not going to sit and wait for the answers - I am going to take the first step and find out "where do I go from here"

Moutains

We all have mountains to climb.  We can choose to freeze at the bottom, look for a way around or just put on the hiking boots and start climbing.  

Taking that first step is always the hardest.  Looking up we think we will never reach the top.  We can't find the next foothold.  The ground beneath our feet is rocky.  Sometimes the soil just gives way and we have to hold on until we find solid ground.  

As I stare at the mountain before me I have to believe that at the end - when I reach the top and look back I will see that the climb was the journey - the summit the reward.   The road may be flat before us but eventually we all come upon another mountain - another chance for a journey.

An unbelievably awesome friend - someone I love very much shared this song with me.  As she said, "I don't normally like Miley Cyrus but in this song she is wise beyond her years"  - I love ya Christi

Where's the lifeguard

During the past week I have had two conversations with wise people.  It's been one of those weeks where I needed to lean on friends.

During the first conversation I was reminded that I can't let people get inside my head and that is exactly what I have been doing.  Allowing them to pressure me to think the way they want me to.  Everything from thinking my blogs are dark to the state of my head and heart.  Not any more.  It is time to listen and process but not let it consume me.

The second conversation happened today and I have been thinking about it all day.  A friend who is wise beyond his years offered this analogy when I told him I am walking in a spiritual desert - far from God - that I had turned my back.  

He said think of it like a swimming pool.  The kind that gradually slopes down from the shallow end to the deep end.  I have been playing and swimming in the shallow end for a long time. Slowly I began to move toward that deep end.  Not really noticing I was going down that gradual slope until I no longer could reach the bottom.  My footing was gone and I was treading water.

I am tired.  I am having trouble treading water.  I am slowly going under.  The lifeguard - God - is right there.  All I have to do is cry out and he will save me.  But I can't or won't or don't remember how.  So here I am still treading water - getting more and more tired - but STILL remembering the lifeguard is always on duty.  I just need to call out...

Insomnia

Insomnia - "inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp when chronic; difficulity in falling or staying asleep; restlessness" 

I love to sleep - I just can't - well - I can fall asleep usually fast but I don't stay asleep.  Some nights are worse than others.  It is frustating to wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning and lay there in the quiet.  

Most times I just stay in bed listening to the sound of my breathing.  Eventually I fall back to sleep.  But not last night- I stayed in bed tossing and turning with a zillion things racing through my head.  Don't get me wrong I would fall back to sleep only to wake 10 - 15 minutes later.  I finally decided to just get up.

So here I sit in the darkness, the only light coming from my laptop.  Listening to the silence, my heartbeat, any creak or groan the house has to offer and the thoughts racing through my head ~ I am not sure how to return to sleeping.

This stinks!  

Thoughtfulness

Yesterday was my daughter's 10th birthday.  Wow I can't believe she is double digits now.

On Mondays (yesterday) I work basically from 9 - 9.  So I couldn't spend the whole day with her but I get a break in the middle of the day and we decided we would go out to lunch - Max and Erma's one of her favorites.  It was a lot of fun.  

After I went back to work she went to Dave & Busters with her father, brother Chris and his friend. Unfortunately none of her friends could go but she had a great time.

About 7:30 she called me at work all excited.  That kind of excitment only a 10 year old can have. Her biggest brother - Andrew - had just returned from a trip to Shady Maple and  brought her a present.  Not just any present but two stuffed monkeys.  She LOVES monkeys!

When I got home from work she was holding them tightly.  I asked if she thanked him and with a grin from ear to ear she said yes.  She didn't put them down - she slept with them and this morning they were still right by her side.

Andrew's thougthfulness is amazing.  He seems to know what makes people happy and with out any reminder or suggestion from anyone will buy a gift or do a favor or do a random act of kindness.  He is there to listen when a friend needs someone.

What would happen if everyone in the world took his lead.  Thought of others, sensed their needs, gave unconditionally.  What a wonderful place this would be.

Andrew, I do not have the words to explain how proud I am of you.  You touch many peoples lives and make them better. 

When I slip will you help me?

Someone I know suggested that my blogs lately have been very dark. I would have to agree.

It is a product of where I am in life right now - in this very moment. I am not sure I can explain why I am here or when I will get out. I have figured out that the darkness that surrounds me has consumed me.

It is impossible to climb out from the dark abyss if that is all you are focused on. Here is a portion of an email I sent to a friend recently...

"I am sitting here curled up under a blanket with my tea listening to the wind. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking of the ugly in my life. I realize I have neglected to see the good things. Things like my children who love me, the fact that I am healthy, that I have really good friends, that in this economy I have a job, and that I have people in my life I care about. People who make me smile, who always seem to know when to call, who take my mind off of life.

Not sure when I got so negative but I know it's only pulling me down. So I have decided to stop. I am going to be thankful for the good in my life. I am pretty sure I will slip now and again but I was hoping you would remind me of the good stuff. Will you? "

When I slip will you remind me of the good stuff?

Cold

The sun is shining brightly today.  The temperature has warmed up.  So why do I still feel so cold?  This is the kind of cold that permeates every inch of your body.  A cold which occurs in darkness.  A cold which frosts your heart and soul ~ that separates you from the Son.

No that isn't a typo - it's the kind of cold that only happens when you feel disconnected from God.  God hasn't turned His back on me - I have lost my way.  Somewhere along this journey called life I forgot that God's love is unconditional.  I began to feel unworthy of His love.  I ran from His arms instead of into His arms.

Today during worship I was reminded that He is there waiting for me.  I am not sure I know the way back.  I am sure I still don't believe He is waiting with arms open - how could He be - not where I am at this time....

Maybe this song from Three Doors Down will help explain where I am at this moment in the journey called life....

I will keep you posted on my finding my way back.

National Wear Red Day

Relief

I was searching for quotes on different subjects and found this...

~ We all need a little relief now and again ~

Golly "G"

My friend Jenster posted this on her blog.  

Rules: If you want to play, leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on...

1.  Grandparents - my grandparents are all gone but I have wonderful memories of time spent with them and I love the relationship my kids have with theirs.  What a wonderful way to learn from very wise people.

2.  grace - without God's grace we are all lost

3.  gifts - I love not only the kind of gifts that you can touch but even more the kind you can't.  You know the unexpected kind word - a gentle hug - extra help just when you thought you couldn't go on

4.  Gap - one of my favorite stores!

5.  gem - the bigger the better - what woman doesn't like gems

6.  girlfriends - I have the best girlfriends - they are always there when I need them and when I don't.  Life without girlfriends is like life without grace!

7.  grin - who doesn't love to smile or for that matter love to see someone smile :)

8.  guitar - I love music although I am more partial to drums but that begins with d

9.  gab - Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to talk!

10. God - because He loves me unconditionaly and is always there with open arms waiting for me.

Sooooo - who wants a letter?

 

But I really need it....

Have you ever wanted something so badly it consumed you? You know like when you are a kid and wanted that special toy. You had to have it - if you didn't you just knew you would die.

Everything you did revolved around getting that toy - trying to explain to your parents why you needed it - always pointing out when a commercial came on about it - talking about your friends who had just gotten one - even resorting to tears if necessary.  You thought about it all the time.  

Most of the time you didn't get it and amazingly you didn't die.  If you were lucky enough to get that special toy you probably played with it for a short time before it either broke or started collecting dust somewhere.   

It amazes me how even after growing up we can still be consumed by wanting something. That thing may or may not be good for us.  It may or may not be necessary.  It may or may not change our lives.  We may really want it or we may only think we want it but yet it consumes us.

Every waking thought becomes about how to get that ______ (you fill in the blank).  We find ourselves day dreaming about it.  We talk about it - trying to convince ourselves and others how much we need it.  Once in a while we are even driven to tears when we can't figure out how to get it.  

"I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want, (we think we want it) 

than Take what You give that I need"  Hold Me Jesus

Why can't we just take what God gives us - after all he knows what we need!

Grace

As I sit here watching the snow falling I keep thinking about how beautiful it looks while it's snowing.  The white flakes falling freely from the sky.  Every flake different.  Each one not knowing where it will land but together creating a blanket of white covering everything it touches.

It's as if God is sending a blanket of white to wash away all my sins.  Covering them in His grace. Just like the old hymn says, 

"Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe; sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

I am holding on tight to this!