Ugghhhhh

Normally I love going to the gym - I love the gratification of pushing my body.  I love the time I have to take all the stress and put it into really pushing myself to lift a little heavier, do another set, walk a little longer.  I also love the time to not think just be in the moment.

Today I couldn't turn off the thoughts, I tried pushing myself using all the stress but found the stress won and my body didn't respond.  My muscles were fatigued and certainly acted like a child - you know complaining, not listening and even at one point pitching a fit.  When I was finished the stress left with me instead staying at the gym where it belonged!

Why is today any different?  I don't know....  Just today the weight of the world feels like it is sitting on me.  

I am frustrated at the condition of my house.  It has gotten out of hand.  The laundry piles up.  Things don't get picked up.  Now don't get me wrong I was never June Cleaver ..... but this is getting ridiculous! 

I struggle to maintain a daily financial balance.  It seems that the more hours I put in the faster the money goes out.  You know after the bills - the car needs breaks and inspection, all the staples in the house seem to have vanished, someone has a doctor or dentist appointment or needs money to go somewhere or do something.

I have three able bodied children - why is it so hard for me to expect them to pick up after themselves, do their own laundry, help with chores?  I just seem to set the rules and then cave in making excuses for why they can't do them.  Truth is they just refuse to do them and I give in to avoid the confrontation, argument, anger.....

Working an hour away is draining me.  For just under two years I have driven an hour each way three days a week.  I am tired of driving.  I am grateful I have a job but tired of sitting in a car 2 hours a day 3 days a week - 6 hours every week - 312 hours or 13 days a year.  

My new venture has me nervous and quite truthfully afraid.  Lehigh Sweets is now open with limited hours.  I would tell you to check out my Facebook page or my website but I haven't updated either in - well - forever but if you are curious  www.LehighSweets.com  My (well with Rob's "gentle ;)" nudging) vision is a wholesale business not so much a retail store.  Selling to florists, gift shops, independent food stores and such.  There are too many things to worry about with a retail location - like staffing it, maintaining it, advertising, making it look like a sweet shop.  Then there are the ever present questions or fears in the back of my mind.  Will people like my delicious (well I think so anyway) chocolate covered stuff?  Will stores buy it to resell it?  Will it be profitable?

I have a huge decision ahead of me to make.  I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to think it through but ha ha jokes on me - it is barreling down the highway at record breaking speed (you were right Rob).  In my head I know the right decision - well the only sensible decision.  My heart is at the same place yet there is that small part that still says maybe if....

Is it possible at 51 with a 21 year old, an almost 17 (yikes thats in 9 days - guess I should add that to the extra bills this month) and a 13 year old to change?  Can I be strong, hold my ground and expect them to be active contributors in keeping the household running?  How can I keep from loathing my 2 hour commute?  Will my new venture make it?  Will my decision ever be 100% ok with my heart or will I always carry those "maybe ifs"?

Ughhhh............

Winds of change

Have you ever stood in the wind - just stood there? Felt it on your face, blowing through your hair almost feeling like it’s surrounding you? Have you ever had the wind take your breath away?

Sometimes the wind is a gentle constant breeze ever so slightly touching our skin, blowing the leaves on the trees. Other times there is a momentary gust that takes us by surprise causing our hair to blow and taking our breath away, bending the branches on the tree. Sometimes the wind blows so hard it takes all our strength to just stand and it tests the roots of the tree.

I think emotions are a lot like the wind no matter what the emotion: happiness, sadness, frustration, confusion, anger, love, hate, disappointment, etc. We never know how or when the wind is going to touch us.

At times they are just a gentle constant breeze - always with us. Gently stirring our heart. Just a part of our every day life. Always somewhere with us but never causing change just like the leaves on the trees blowing in the breeze.

Sometimes they rush to the surface like a gust of wind. They catch us by surprise taking our breath away, tugging at our heart causing us to try to understand them. As we bend like the branches we learn to navigate those feelings.

But sometimes when we least expect it they hit us hard. They touch our hearts deeply. They disrupt our daily routine. They test our roots.

Over the past couple of months my winds have been gentle, no rushes, no gusts. I was enjoying that, but then winds of change came and came with a gust - not quite a gale force gust but still a gust. But you know I am OK with it, no I am more than OK with it, I am happy the gust came. My roots are strong and my heart is filled.

“One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time”

A great quote I saw on a local flower shop’s sign. Goggled it to find out what wise person said it but it seems it is from an unknown source.

The definition of time according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary -

a : the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues

b : a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future

Each of us is given 24 hours in a day - no more - no less. What we choose to do with it is up to us. Maybe that time is spent “doing”; actively doing the things that need to be done. Maybe that time is spent “being”; listening, watching, thinking. Or maybe that time is spent not doing, not being - wasted?

Lately I think I have been wasting a lot of time.....

My roller coaster

Taking the next step and it is filled with anticipation, excitement and relief. But I am also finding it filled with something else - sadness. Words seem to be the gift I have been given and so I am going to use them to work through the next several weeks.

The last 60 days I feel like I have been on a roller coaster - like the Fahrenheit coaster at Hershey Park

Heart pounding, palms sweating, excitement tingling through your body and the slow ascent to the top of the hill begins, pause a moment and then comes the plunge down the other side without even a moment to realize the swiftness of the descent. Then only to be thrust into a spiral and end up upside down and back right side up again. Can’t forget the series of mini hills with each one your stomach does flip flops until you reach the slow down.....

Putting my house on the market, having my oldest graduate, selling my house the day I took Andrew to West Virginia University for new student orientation, frantically renegotiating the sale when the home inspection came in and then when the appraisal too low; oh and don’t forget trying to find a place to live on short notice ~~ this has been my roller coaster. (and I am pretty sure that is a huge run on sentence)

Through it all I was focused on the end result. A place to live, to call my own. The next step in my journey. Only today that focus was replaced with something I wouldn’t allow into my life over the last 60 days - emotions.

Packing the house today I was over come with a sadness that has consumed me. The mere act of keeping it together until now has drained me Now the release of all the emotion has left me with wet cheeks and heavy eyelids.

My house, the one I have raised two of my children since birth in and one since he was 3 will no longer be my house on the 22nd. I know, I know a house isn’t a home and my home will follow me where ever I go but it is still hard to think of it as someone else’s.

The memories are forever in my heart and mind and will follow me. The next house will become my new home until the time comes to make a change again. So for now I will allow myself the time to remember, laugh and cry. The day I walk out the door for the last time I will look ahead and not back - I’m not saying it going to be easy though.......

True friends

My intent was to blog about friends. True friends ~ you know the kind of friend who loves you for who you are ~ the kind of friend who is there anytime of the day ~ the kind of friend who laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry ~ the kind of friend who tells you the hard stuff and then picks you up, dusts you off and walks beside you through that hard stuff.

Somewhere along my thought process for this blog I realized that this was about much more than true friends. It is about two special people who I respect and love. Both have been placed in my life for similar yet totally different purposes. They have been through my good times and my bad. They have laughed with me and cried with me. They help me see that I am not the reflection I see in the mirror. They give me strength when I don't think I can stand on my own. They are just there for me.

I am blessed to have these friends in my life. I am not sure if I would have made it this far without them and don't want to go forward without them. There are no words to say how deeply I feel.

I love you two!

Wow it's been a while.  It's been hard to put together the thoughts in my head.  Just seems to be a stormy season.  

I know just like the storm tonight it will end.  The rain will stop, the lightening will cease and the thunder will quiet.  The sun will come out.  Everything will be washed clean and smell fresh.

That's what I am holding on to - the end of the stormy season....

We all need somebody!

I haven't blogged since my transparency - still struggling - haven't turned the corner yet but I know someday I will...

I found this video last night (late, late, late last night, actually early, early, early this morning).

Everybody needs somebody - boy have I needed somebody over the past four months.

I am truly blessed to have not just one somebody but somebodies ~ somebodies who call me on the carpet when I mess up, who tell it to me straight, who believe in me, who pick me up when I fall down but most of all who love me for who I am. 

I challenge you to take the time today to send a text, send an email, or call to tell your somebody that they are your somebody.  Don't put it off, don't wait ~ cause we all need somebody Y